In fact, it has been a long time, since I’ve been writing here, but does it really matter?
In fact, my love to Sundays has changed a bit. They somewhat ki ck you out of your rhythm. And when you’re here where I’m now, distant from family and other regularities, this can be hard. There is nothing besides friends to rely on when time suddenly evolves and there is nothing left that you have to do.
It’s getting harder on Sundays to find the way back into daily life. And the moments, if you take Sunday as one long moment, that allow you to rest, are somewhat disturbing. They make you see what you’ve missed. Espacially when you don’t feel like resting, since nothing is achieved yet, but the world makes you resting. This is good most of the time, but not now. Absolutely not.
Next stop Taiwan. I’m looking forward, since this will be a nice journey, and not so many moments to stop, and a time to stay in the flow, with people that like to stay in the water for a long time. Check out Terje Hakonsen, somewhat this guy got it all, if you watchhis eyes, you’ll notice.
In my younger days
This wouldn’t have been so hard
I would’ve just shrugged it off
But now it’s tough
I’m not so rough
I’ve got a little ways to go
It’s not over yet, I know
But it feels
Not so far away
In my younger days
This still would’ve knocked me down
But I would’ve just bounced right back, you know
Now I’m a statistic
But I’m not fatalistic
I’m not yet resigned to fate
And I’m not gonna be ruled by hate
But it’s strong
And it’s filling up my days
“Once upon a time there was a bear and a bee who lived in a wood and were the best of friends.
All summer long the bee collected nectar from morning to night while the bear lay on his back basking in the long grass.
When Winter came the Bear realised he had nothing to eat and thought to himself ‘I hope that busy little Bee will share some of his honey with me’.
But the Bee was nowhere to be found – he had died of a stress induced coronary disease”.
“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it.
A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”
Roal Dahl.
Well I suppose this so true. And a short one: I really trembled these days, since something was on my mind, that remained unspoken for some days, since it seemed to be superhard to say. It loomed the days that could be so bright.
After all, it all went by so easyly, so tender. So if there is something on your mind, take a breath and go for it.
There are some weeks, maybe a privilege of could grey autumn weeks, that are spent on couches. I sort of hate them. But they pass by. The lying on the couch things makes you, and now cross three of the following five:
a) lazy
b) grumpy
c) sleepy
d) uncontent
e) disbelieving
And guess, what, all of them could be true and are somewhat. I discussed the topic of expectations over and over. It’s recurring in all my present days and will remain there.
I got lazy, since doing nothing doesn’t encourrage you to do something else. This leaded directly into grumpyness (?), since nothing moved on. I wished only to sleep and wake up in spring. I slept much, but not enough, it’s still grey and sleepyness was all around. Trapped in this deadlock, hypostasis, with five million directions to walk, I did what you always do when you get lost in the woods – I made a break. More sleep. After all I became doubtfull – when there is no path to walk, maybe your past mays were misleading, maybe you should go back to a point at which you have been sure. Which is, in this onedirected world we live in a very hard thing to do.
The aim for the extraordinary is so stupid. At least when you’ve never defined it. It’s still omnipresent, sometimes whispering, sometimes shouting out loud (right now) and keeps you wobbling in your tiny solar system. Zkar’s personal arch enemy is the mediocre, also a dark fear, that you have to face every single day.
So finally it’s time to do something – or to jump into the next wormhole. Let me know if you have one at hand.
I would say, it’s an attitude, thanks to Steve
and Sacaweja whispers that it doesn’t matter where you are,
while Muhammad never really paid attention to peddles in his shoes.
Nice topic. Anyway. I wrote one of those before in the morning. Anyway. What happens to deleted stuff? Do you think it all moves to a parallel universe – there all the brilliant and lost thoughts have been catched, collected and realized. The things we loose make them happy. I hope so.
Otherwise loosing would be to sad. And a pitty.
Today I totally don’t feel like writing at all.
So just a one question: Where has purity gone?
Anyone who knows, please send answer to:
Hans Zkar
Berth 76432
U.S.S. Roosevelt
Atlantic Sea (currently)
Even good Saint Antonius has no clue, I just met him the other day on board. He just smiled and turned away. Ups different song. But that ones lyrics, oh man.
Hm, I really can’t tell. I went to a different planet this week. Sorry I forgot the name. The world there, as stupid as it might seem, was at one. I myself was the total moment of the surf, the zero, in the middle of myself, the center of universe. Everything I did, made sense. My actions, intended or unintended, lead into a direction. Had to be as they were.
I felt in this big bubble. Walking down streets became showbusiness. Being at my place became the adventure for a lifetime. Small negligibilities grew matter. Hm, hard to describe. Imagine a big glassy blue wave of happiness. Myself in the center of it, I managed to do the surf, and took everybody I met with me, at least for a little second. My plans and ideas became true immediately.
Wednesday, a stupid Wednesday. 24 hours of stupid o’clock. The wave broke down. I didn’t bring it myself. It was like somebody (I know the somebodies, they are really close to me) threw a huge pieces of detergent into the wave. I felt like a water strider. The surface tension went away, I was sucked into the wave which turned out as a nightmare. Fate changed, like a flipped coin. Nothing but myself had changed, but this means everything changes. The relations and moments that brought me pure contentedness seemed somewhat unsatisfying and wrong.
The question is how to avoid this. Well I suppose, in a way this is impossible. And if you would be on a wave your whole live, would you even recognize that you’re surfing? On the other hand, these days were so sweet, man. I want to get them back. Can expulsion help if solution is not possible? I hope so. Stupid anyway.
To think of lyrics might be hard. A song I liked these days was this one, by uncle Jan, whom I missed, damn:
Glaub mir es gibt fast nix was ich besser finde als
Milch und Honig und Schmetterlinge
Und auch wenn ihr mich jetzt n Weichei nennt
Ich lieb es wenn der Himmel voller Streicher hängt
und komm mir nicht mit Kehrseiten von Medallien
Denn alles ist frisch und duftet wie Pinienwälder
doch dann irgendwann tappst du in die Minenfelder
Und dann macht es Bam
und es macht Bam
Und du denkst “Oh Mann so n Scheiß verdammt”
Und du sagst wieso muss denn immer alles so anstrengend sein
Und egal wie schön du bist,
wie schön es mit dir ist
Ey, was hab ich davon
Mann ständig bin ich gepisst
Ich sag: Wieso muss denn immer alles so anstrengend sein
Und die Tür knallt zu
Okay so was werd ich nie mehr sagen, nein
Und ich hab meine Ruh’
Aber die wollt’ ich gar nicht haben, nein
Wär lieber hier mit dir
In trauter Zweisamkeit denn wieso muss denn heute so’n verdammter Scheißtag sein
Ey wieso kann denn nich einfach mal alles einfach sein
Nein es macht Bam und es macht Bam
Und du sagst Au Mann so n Scheiß verdammt
du sagst: Wieso, muss denn immer alles so anstrengend sein
Und egal wie schön du bist,
wie schön es mit dir ist
Mann, was hab ich davon,
wenns mich von inn’ zerfrisst
Ich sag: Wieso muss denn immer alles so anstrengend sein.
But, since that one is in German, there is this one that I totally fancied, but that doesn’t have real lyrics: so that’s a compromise, german lyrics and french melody. And, folks, really please check out the link, currently I’m listenig to it for the third time.
Just one thing, not to let this consequent sunday trend happen:
First: Walk into a forest these days. Today I went there, only for 10 minutes, involved into an conversation, and got a stroke due to the beauty of the moment. Almost. Personal reminder: Diane, that’s one of the pictures I wanna see right before I die, in the “Life of Zkar”-Trailer.
Second: Also personal reminder: I should make this tiny little treasure box of secret, funny, moving pieces out of my life. I’m going to keep them in a mental box. That box will be opened in weird moments – when I’m in a fight with somebody or if ever again my lunch box gets stolen guy from the senior class. No more sitting and muttering, reminding and smiling will be expected.
Maybe this is somewhat of an recurrent theme. But I guess an important one.
Yesterday, I had one of the most beautiful evenings this year. But the auguries for this evening were horrible. I was invited to a friends flat to play boardgames. (Settlers by the way, hail to great Klaus Teuber) The flat of a girl and a boy. The deficit: they are a couple.
Dou you know those evenings you spend with old friends who bring their partner. The moments when they call each others unstandable pet names. Or when the want your opinion about an weird thing they argue about. Like lynching somebody who drinks milk right from the pack. Tiny little twinges, that sum up. In the end, you look like an somebody who walked through a spiritual swamp. Horrible evenings. Even worse: double dates. (Sorry for this negative paragraph)
I did not expect something like described above: Since I deeply respect the ponytailed friend who invited me. But quite the opposite happened. It was marvellous, outstanding, superspecial. Not one twinge, maybe one ore two ironic hints who were in fact charming and magic. We had fun, talked, listened to music and ourself, “damn good food” and moments of intimate silce. There was something in the air, that I saw just once before in my life. Real respect, but no greed or jealousy. I couldn’t sense any mistrust. I was tired. But I didn’t want to leave this shelter.
Therefore, let good uncle Bob sing:
‘Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood
When blackness was a virtue and the road was full of mud
I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
And if I pass this way again, you can rest assured
I’ll always do my best for her, on that I give my word
In a world of steel-eyed death and men who are fighting to be warm
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
Not a word was spoke between us, there was little risk involved Nothing up to that point had even been resolved
Try imagining a place where it’s always safe and warm
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
I was burned out from exhaustion, buried in the hail
Poisoned in the bushes an’ blown out on the trail
Hunted like a crocodile ravaged in the corn.
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
Suddenly I turned around and she was standin’ there
With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair
She walked up to me so gracefully, and took my crown of thorns
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
Now the bonds are broken, but they can be re-tied
One more journey to the woods, the holes where spirits hide,
It’s a never-ending battle, for a piece that’s always torn,
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
Well the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount
But nothing really matters much, it’s doom alone that counts
And the one-eyed undertaker, he blows a feudal horn
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
I’ve heard newborn babies cry like a mournin’ dove
And old men with broken teeth stranded without love
Do I understand your question, man, “Is it hopeless and forlorn?”
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
Now there’s a wall between us, something there’s been lost
I took too much for granted, I got my signals crossed
Just to think it all began on an uneventful morn,
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
In a little hilltop village, they gambled for my clothes
I bargained for salvation an’ she gave me a lethal dose
I offered up my innocence and got repaid with scorn
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
Well, I’m livin’ in a foreign country but I’m bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor’s edge, someday I’ll make it mine
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born
“Come in,” she said, “I’ll give ya, shelter from the storm.”
Well after all summer took longer than I expected, and gave me more than I hoped for. It was like one of those summers that you spent with 16.
You spent the last days in school, see your mates, who at the time are more brothers or sisters. Two months after you come back and there they are again. Old faces, with nice tans white teeth and new clothes. Some of them might have changed their haircut, some of them girlfriends. But the real changes were the ones deep inside.
Often I felt sorry for myself. At least a bit. When I recognized, that after all progressed like spaceship travelling with lightspeed, while I took a ride on my bike through the outer world.
I judged friends. On autumn parties – which are by the way the best parties of the year, since there is so much to tell – the “What did you do in summer?” question was my not very elaborated tool of categorizing. The more I wanted to change, the more I did in summer. Of three months, I spent two-and-a-half abroad. Searching conversations, new experiences.
This year I wondered: nothing, not the slightest voice in me wished for travelling. When I listened to my inner choir, consisting of hundred different voices, not one asked me to travel. Not one asked to run away. Even Mrs. Wanderlust was silent, seemed to sleep for a while. The literal translation of wanderlust from German would be “Desire for distance”, I know this sounds ugly. Maybe Mrs. Wanderlust longed for a summer at home, since it happened to be the most distant thing for me.
And listening to this inner desire, I got more than I could wish for. I understood my family, like I never did before. Wishes and fears. I found out that the lack of friends at home existed just in my mind. They were one phonecall, one night away. One remains: The mystery of women from the countryside that I descend from is still gargantuan. A mystery that never will be solved, what enables bumblebees to fly?
And the weird thing happened. By staying home, by finding out about myself at the place that created large parts of me, I understood, partly. I understood until inanition. Frightening, bewildering, and depleting things. Sometimes beautiful, incredibly silent and pure. Now I’m tired like the hands of an old man. But also I’m back to rest.
I really don’t know which song to pick. Summer was five million songs. So there we go, for a nice try:
So there we are. Almost two months and half a summer later.
I really chilled, I really relaxed. Leaving Graz behing became somewhat of one large holiday. Everything I do here seems more deliberate, more independently chosen. I don’t know how come. But anyway it has always has been fun.
So let’s choose a topic for todays post: “The loss of principles when coming old”
This seems maybe to be a boring, serious topic, not made for the summer but hej, this is so untrue. Summer is the time when principles come to fall and new ones start to rise.
Very often your self chosen principles and rules of life keep you away from great fun. When I was 16 years old, I was buried in principles – what to do or not to do. I had a huge book in my brain, a book I wrote myself. Maybe this is one of the highly valuable ideas of youth. That you see the world your way. Do things your way, neither time or other people can stop you. That you decide how the world should be and that you try to realize your ideas. When growing older, the adaptations to reality force start to change yourself.
One the one hand the loss of these principles is a large shame – as well as a natural process. Some of your ideas turn out to be wrong and childish – you change them. Some of them are right, proud and altruisitic. But you break them: you break them, not because of reality, just of your own weakness and wish for conformity. Because they are to hard to keep. This summer I recalibrated my principles. I wrote a new book. Erased those that I regarded to be wrong, reastiblished old, forgotten, but good ones. And created some new ones. This was an intense process. This made me – after the contemplations about arrogance a better person – I hope so at least.
Summer is the only time when you can do this. I don’t know why. Maybe you’re more free than before – less things to do. Less contacts to keep.
About my list:
I got the longboard and love it.
I finished Barack – but Adam got me.
I do quite ok at my internship.
I almoust wrote all papers – there is one more to rock.
No motorcycle licenses in Salzburg – too expensive, have to do it in G-town.
Decided what to do after: or arrange the ideas.
And: Have no clue about how to develop pictures. This keeps me going. Anyone with a cheap Enlarger out there?
P.S. Funny fact – I get interested in photography, while Annie Leibowitz goes bankrupt. Good timing.
This weeks picture: I personally regard him as the coolest man on the planet, his gestures, his calmness and self confidence – but he is for sure the fastest. How does it feel like no human on this earth is faster than you? Let’s walk one mile in his orange sneakers.
his eyes, you’ll notice.
